"You have boyfriend?"

Being the last official day of my summer vacation and the first day of school tomorrow, I figured that I should take care of the pool-worn pedicure and manicure that I was still sporting. Plus, who doesn't love some pampering and relaxation before a stressful week begins? Decked in my weekend's finest (i.e. workout clothes) I decided I was going to enjoy my last day of summer doing everything I love to do: mani/pedi, shopping, lounging, and wearing casual clothes and rubber flip-flops.

When I sat down in the chair, a young girl comes up and starts on my nails. I get the eerie feeling that she's looking me up and down, sizing me up. "This is awkward," I think to myself so I get out my phone to play Words with Friends to pass the time. Then, she drops bomb #1 on me, "you still in high school?" I look up and look around thinking surely she's not talking to me. "Oh no, not in high school or college, I graduated 3 years ago." She immediately gets a disgusted look on her face. "You look so young. Probably because you wear no makeup." Bomb #2. "...and your hair is in a ponytail." Bomb #3. "...and well, you in these clothes." Bomb #4. Now, I get that the Nike running shorts are all the rage at the high school level and could be considered a school uniform, but cmon. They aren't the only people that own these. And after all, it's Sunday. If someone walked up in workout clothes, no makeup, and a ponytail, I wouldn't assume they were 16, I'd assume they were running errands or going to the gym. I wasn't wearing any silly bands on my arms, smiling with a mouth full of braces, or surrounded by a crowd of tweens. But, in an effort to laugh it off, I tell her that my mom still gets carded and she's 55. Nail-girl stares at me awkwardly. Ooook, back to my WWF.

She's quiet for about 3 minutes and then drops bomb #5: "So, if you at least 25, you married?" "Oh no, I'm not married yet." "Well, you have boyfriend?" "....no. No boyfriend." Then, quickly comes bomb #6. "Honey, you not getting any younger. You need find boyfriend. Men don't like ol' woman." "Yeah, but I'm far from being an old woman, so I figure I have plenty of time." "Well, you certainly not young anymore."

Let me get this straight...5 minutes ago, I looked like a teeny-bopper and suddenly I am too old to not be married, or at least have a boyfriend? My self-esteem at this point is starting to go down just a hair. I figure that reasoning with this woman would probably be about as effective as reasoning with my house plant so, I go back to WWF.

My peaceful silence is interrupted again. "You have such long eyelashes." AH-ha! A compliment! (and the affirmation that she is indeed looking me up and down.) "But, you be so much more pretty if you have black hair." Bomb #7. Not only am I cringing at the poor grammar (more pretty), but I am floored that this woman is now insinuating that I dye my hair to her liking. I explain to her that having some premature gray hair leaves that option out. I want her to know that I'm not tolerating this nonsense anymore. "Ah, see, not getting any younger. Better find boyfriend." Bomb #8. REALLY? Were you hoping for a tip after this session?! Because I think you're down to about 15 cents.

I think it's safe to say that the flared nostrils and raised eyebrow I gave her at this point made it clear that I was no longer open to "constructive criticism" over my appearance. We sat in silence for the rest of the time. I was relieved to get up, pay my bill, and go ahead and leave. When I saw the "tip" line on the bill, I was so tempted to just write, "while we're sharing self-improvement tips, go ahead and burn those overalls and scrunchie." But, I decided to maintain some tact (which is now gone since I verbalized that thought) and just give her the normal tip. Needless to say, there is 1 tip I got from that appointment: never go into the nail salon without putting yourself together. Grr.

At least my nails look better...